Trying to find “thehena”

Thehena – from Láadan – happiness despite negative circumstances

It feels difficult to remember to be happy in my own life. I have some good things: my wonderful husband, my sweet cats, my natural family and families I’ve “adopted”. I also have some challenges: finding a job is hard, I’m worried about my career. But what overshadows your normal ups and downs of a normal life day-to-day is so much anxiety about the climate and about the government. It feels difficult to be happy when it feels like doom is over the horizon, and it is hard to convince myself that it will be okay.

I’m trying to talk myself out of this depression, how I usually do. “How silly will this seem, once you’re old at the end of your life, and everything’s okay and you spent so much time worrying instead of taking care of yourself and your family.” I’m writing this now to try to remind myself of these things.

  •  I’m not the only one working towards good. There are others, and there are people in the renewable energy field, and healthcare fields, and legal fields, all trying to do good. I’m not alone, I’m not in a vacuum, and I don’t have to feel guilty for “just being a programmer”.
  • I can keep fighting without hurting myself this much. I can fight without making myself feel hopeless.
  • I don’t have to act Every. Single. Day.
  • I can’t do everything today, or this week, or this month, or even this year. I will be volunteering and helping out every year. It doesn’t have to be daily.
  • I can’t “undo” (or prevent) future calamity by just WORRYING ALL THE TIME. I can be concerned and attentive without carrying the weight on my shoulders every day.
  • I deserve to be able to relax and spend time with my husband, unclouded by the grief of the world. We deserve to be together and happy and healthy. I need to be able to be a full partner.
  • I deserve to spend time improving my own life. I deserve to make time to clean my home and cook food and exercise and play games and read books.

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