Cw, trauma, suicidal ideations, tech sucks, school sucks

I’m at a weird place in my life right now, career-wise. What are my goals to work towards?

I’m scared of working as a software engineer again… Unless there exists some company that truly values that its workers have a life, that truly recognizes and fights sexism and racism and transmisia in its culture. It’s very unlikely to exist and be needing to hire a programmer and can pay money.

Software development work is, for lack of a better way to describe it, traumatic to me. My response to me thinking of applying for more dev jobs is akin to the response I used to have when I thought of accidentally running into a person who hurt me (to put THAT lightly).

I’ve tried multiple times to get into gradschool and tried to work towards a master’s degree, so that I may get a full time job as a college teacher. But, I don’t REALLY want to study computer science more. I don’t care. I kind of hate studying computer science more because of what it’s become in our society and because of the mentality of those in the tech field. I don’t CARE about this stuff. But, I enjoy teaching people about how to program. I enjoy teaching people discrete math and making it engaging and interesting. I don’t know if I’m into math enough to justify (or be able to) get a master’s degree in math.

I think that I don’t want a master’s degree. I don’t want to study these topics in depth, I don’t want to put in the work, I don’t want to spend that money. The only thing I feel like I could put that effort into is studying Linguistics, but I don’t know what job I would do with that. And I’m 31? I know I’ve had students my age or older trying to pivot jobs to a new field, but I feel stuck.

We want to buy a house. And then we want to have a kid. Rai is working, but when I was a dev too we had double the salary (but I was also having suicidal ideations). I will be teaching one class this spring semester, but that won’t make much money… (About $4300 over a period of 16 weeks… $1000 a month?) I feel bad for not bringing in more money. I had intended to stay at my last dev job for a full year, but I could only make it 8 months. Hopefully I can teach two classes in the summer and make about $8600 over 8 weeks… So about $4300/mo (heck yeah) but with adjuncting you can really only teach 2 classes a semester. My max possible pay would be a total of 6 classes in the year, perhaps 4 credit hours each, for about $31,000… Still, it’s the best paying part time job I could get, and it’s something I love doing.

The only thing I don’t like is the barrier to access for students… I want everyone to be able to learn, not just those able to afford community college. But, I make all my resources publicly available online. I put my video lectures on YouTube. I love that the job lets me create things that I OWN and can DISTRIBUTE on my own. I can write tons of resources and free it to the world.

Blah, where was I? House… Then baby I guess. We would also like to adopt, but somehow it feels better to make a child and figure out the ropes first before adopting? That sounds like we use our first kid as a test lol. But I mean, a kid adopted has to face traumas – separations, change of environments, so we will have to navigate that in addition to normal child raising things, so I suppose it would be better to have at least that part kind of “figured out” (as much as one can “figure out” child rearing…).

I dunno. I guess that’s our goal for the year… Get a house, get moved.

And, the election. If I’m not working full time I can volunteer more. I can’t donate much money, but I can be a valuable human help. This year is the year to influence the future. No more waiting, we have to fight.

Sigh. Career goals for me? Teach. Make money on my gamedev and making videos and maybe making apps. Write and sell some books. Try to find a way to be happy with my work and also not kill myself from over-work. I don’t think I can get a master’s degree any time soon, especially with trying to buy a house and having a kid… So yeah.

I just want to make educational things, and be able to pay our bills and stuff so that Rai isn’t doing it all alone.

1 comment

  1. I would love to make enough money to support others and set up Patreon donations again. ‘_’

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