Plans and time

[A post-it note with a drawing of an old person with a walker and a laptop on the walker. The text reads: Don’t worry, you can do your gamedev when you’re retired*! * Retirement not guaranteed for millennials, gen Z, and later.]

I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately, and just in general not knowing what those goals are. Is that part of adulthood? Just all your inspiration and creativity and passion and goals just go by the wayside in this capitalist hellscape? Maybe.

I’m about half way done paying off my student loans. I am fortunate enough that I am able to make a bunch of money and, in turn, dump a bunch of money into my student loans. But I don’t want to write software forever, so I’ve been thinking about what’s next.

Pay off loans, then save up to buy a house.

Buy a house, then plan on having a kid.

Have a kid, and then really be busy all the dang time.

And as far as career, I don’t know… I’d like to go back to teaching, I suppose, but that requires a Master’s Degree, which is hard to work towards while teaching full time.

I also don’t wholly agree with the institution of university, either. I’d rather teach at the community college level, but honestly,

Capitalism has corrupted everything good.

And it’s hard to find a way in which I feel okay

I like teaching students about computer science – computers are cool – but I also hate working as a software engineer and I feel like I’m just training them to be as miserable as I am.

I really need to find a therapist to go to. I’m having a hard time managing the stress of worrying about the future (environmentally, politically) and dealing with the frustrating monotony of daily 8-5 job life, and the depression that stems from not having the time/energy to work on things I care about.

If I could work as a software developer for half the hours (20 hrs/wk) and half the salary ($45k/yr), I would be so much happier and I would get the same amount of work done.

Ugggghhh.

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